Part one . . .
Welcome to the very first insertion of
The Anti-Stories! Since our readers are probably new and not veterans, the story starts with a few explanations, recurrences and just a general recap of why we were away so long from work! So, read on!
The Anti - Stories
R E S U R R E C T I O N
When last leaving our heroes, they had been caught in grave peril! ...Okay fine, I just don't remember where we left off but...anyway:
Scene 1, Act 1: Pike County High Security Correctional Facility.
Umei is held at the West wing
Akuma is in the East wing
Umei: (Pacing back and forth in her cell, ignoring the hot 'luv luv' sounds the two cell mates were making.)
Officer: (Approaches Umei's cell, and taps on the door.) Hey, kid.
Umei: My name isn't "kid." It's Umei no Hoshimasurao, get it right!
Officer: Whatevah, come with me. (He opens up cell doors.)
Umei: What now? ...If it's about sending a virus through the mainfra--
Officer: (blink, blink)
Umei: Nevermind.
Officer: (Leads Umei to the Boss's office.)
Boss: (Very fat. Has a Brooklyn accent.) So, Miz... Hashi...mashsooray-oo...
Umei: Hoe--shee-mah--soo-rah--oh, sir.
Boss: Whatevah. I've just received notice that your sentence here at the Correctional Facility has been served and...
Umei: I'm free to go?!
Boss: Yeah, but... (Stands up)
Umei: BUT?!
Boss: That...friend of yours...
Cue screaming and sailor-like cursing.
Akuma: (Shoved into the office in a strait jacket with two orderlies.)
Umei: Akuma!
Akuma: (Looks up) Umei!
Boss: Miz...Koo-doo-moo---
Akuma: Koh--doh--moe, fatass!
Orderlie #1: Have you moved your bowels today?
Akuma: I didn't touch a f**king thing in here!
Boss: (Pulls out files from inside a manila folder laying on his desk) Miz Umei, says here that you've been arrested numerous times for robbery, grand theft auto, destruction of property, illegal use of weapons and sugar-high anger bouts. Also, a number of homicides and missing persons were linked to you but you were never convicted.
Umei: (smile) No harm, no foul!
Boss: Your friend on the other hand....is criminally insane.
Umei: She wouldn't harm a fly!
Akuma: (headbutts orderlie #2)
Umei: Ah heh...(sweatdrops)
Boss: Is that so?
Akuma: AAHHHH!! (rabidly gnawing at the boots of another officer, trying to stop her)
Umei: Ah....Akkie-chan? [
Author 1: For those not accustomed to this term, it's Umei's nickname for Akuma. "Chan" comes from the Japanese variation of friend. "Akkie" is just like how anyone around here would shorten someone's name. Like Kris, for Krista. Etc]
Akuma: (gnawing, looks up) Mrf?!
Umei: Could you stop that?! It's rude!
Boss: Miz... uh....Hoshi....er...screw it! YOU! (points at Umei)
Umei: Me? (Turns back towards the Boss and points at self.)
Boss: You can pack your things and get out of here tonight. Your friend-- (Closes eyes, trying to keep anger in check.)
Akuma: (gnawing on his skull) Mrrrrr!
Boss: -- ....Can leave only on BAIL!
Umei: But...we've got no money!
Boss: Deal! (b*tchslaps Akuma away) Anyone who bites me doesn't get out of here that easily! (towers over Akkie, who sweatdrops.)
Umei: (slaps forehead) You're kidding me, right?! This is all a joke!
Boss: If you know anyone who can post bail for her, you're allowed to make a phone call.
Umei: (looks at Akuma, who's sitting on the floor) I guess I could make a few calls.
Akuma: Don't bother calling Lara. She's sick and tired of having to bail me out with her cash. [
Author Note: "Lara" is
Lara Croft from the Eidos Software games,
Tomb Raider. In previous books, Akuma was Lara's understudy.]
Umei: But she's got millions!
Akuma: (sniffle)
Umei: Fine, scratch her off the list. (Sighs) Who else do you know that we can call?
Boss: Miz...uh....UMEI, you have to fill out paperwork yet and your friend's stuff -as well as your own- which was taken during the arrest - you'll need to collect. And Miz Koo-doo-moo---
Akuma: NNYYRRRR--- (Stands up)
Umei: (holds her back)
Akuma: Hey! (struggles)
Boss: SHE can make the calls! (Points at Akuma) Now get out! (Throws all of them out of his office. Three guards come and "assist" our two heroins to their desination.)
